It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I feel like I’ve been needing to write …for quite some time now, but my life is pretty much a whirlwind…and I don’t seem to find much downtime. Except when I come home, completely depleted of life and energy and otherwise just a big old waste of space… most nights I pick up Emma after work, we come home and plop our butts down on our futon and watch Gilmore Girls… then she goes to bed. I then either get on facebook and scroll through my newsfeed and read article after article and/or look at my friend’s posts and pictures… and then go to bed.. or I watch a show on Netflix and go to bed. I have no life. LOL No really, I don’t. But I do a lot of things.
For one, I work. Monday through Friday, 9am-6pm.. I take care of other people’s children for them. So they can have a rewarding career. I do feel like I have one of the best jobs on earth honestly, because I am taking care of those babies as though they were my own children, and I love them with all my heart… but some times I wonder. I start to think about…
What if I hadn’t dated Nick in high school?
What if I hadn’t transferred to Pinnacle after my sophomore year?
What if I hadn’t left NAU? What if I had majored in Journalism instead of Education?
What if I hadn’t cheated on Harry? What if we had gotten married?
What if I hadn’t gotten pregnant with Emma at 23, almost 24 years old?
And that’s where my what ifs dissolve… Every time.
Because when I try to imagine my life without my daughter… I can’t. She is my life. I would be lost without her, I love her so much, and I hear God’s whisper in my heart… “I make no mistakes.”
God takes our brokenness and make us beautiful.. and that’s how I know. He’s in control of it all. I need not worry, or fear, and wonder “what if’s” any longer. He’s got a plan. And I’m in the palm of his hand.
We all make mistakes, but God works through our mistakes, and sorts through our mess, and makes something beautiful. I believe He actually delights in making beauty out of ashes, because His word tells us that God has taken the foolish things of this world and confounded those who were wise in their own eyes with what He can do through the weak and the helpless and the broken. I think it’s because then we can’t question or doubt that it was really Him, not us, or anyone else, who works things out for good. He took my mistakes, and brought about something beautiful in my life. and even after all that, I continued to go my own way in certain areas of my life, for a couple different reasons, but he has brought me to this place now where all I want is Him. And I can say with complete and total honesty that all I need is Him. I don’t know why it took me so long, especially since it caused me so much heartache, but it was my stubborn pride that kept me from laying it all down at his feet…
No more what ifs.. God will write the rest of my story. And I know it will have a beautiful ending. Because He is the Author and Perfecter of my Faith. He is the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last. And He will have the last word in my life. I am His workmanship and He makes no mistakes. I am the Prodigal daughter, and I have returned to my Father.