Emma has been my best 5 years. Everything I did before that, meaningless. Other than that it all took place to get me to the point where I was when I ended up getting pregnant with her. She opened my eyes. To my selfishness. To my pettiness. To my need to grow up. To a lot. But even just that experience isnt where my growth has stopped. All throughout the last 5 yrs of her existance, I have been learning new things, and growing, right along with her. But in a much different way.
And today, actually last night, I was laying in bed, thinking… not always a good past time of mine…but last night, it was a good thing. I was thinking about perspective. And how I really do take for granted all that I do have: a steady job with full-time hours and decent pay, and benefits. An apt that Emma and I call home. Friends. Some old, some new. Food in my pantry. Money in the bank (tho not all that much, enough). A whole lotta crap in my apt. lol. That needs to be cleaned, badly…all the time. But my point is, I have what I need. And esp Emma. She is really ALL i need to make my life whole. complete. and ironically, thats what the name Emma means. Whole. Complete. 🙂 And I never even knew that…. I only had really put thought into her full name: Emmanuella. But her nickname, just thought it would be something we called her, cuz Emmanuella is a bit long. And a bit much, for a kid. But, never really thought about what the name “Emma” meant. Til someone made me wonder, and I looked it up. Then I just sat there stunned.. God thinks of Everything.
And that’s why I sat here and cried tonight listening to a song called “Ronan” that Taylor Swift wrote about a little boy who had cancer and died. She read the mother’s blog and asked if she could write a song about him. And the mom said yes. It’s the most beautiful, poignant, but extremely heart-wrenching song I have ever heard. And when I need some perspective on my life, I listen to it. Cuz thats all i can think is IF Emma was taken from me. What would I say about her and her impact on my life?
She has been my best 5 years. But I want her to be the best part of the rest of my earthly existance….
I just hope God grants me that…. After all that He has done for me, I know He’ll continue to do whatever is best. Even when we find that hard to comprehend. All that He does is for our good. Whether we can see it from where we stand right now, or not. I have to trust that. Believe that. Or else I’d lie shattered. No hope. No recovery.
Just the fact that God saw fit to give me such a gift as Emma is the most overwhelming compliment I feel I have ever received…. She is everything I ever prayed for. And never knew exactly what I was praying for. But God saw. He knew. and He answered.