When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was terrified. I remember shaking uncontrollably, before I read the test, knowing in my heart that it was true before it was even confirmed. I was sexually active, had been since just before I turned 18, but I had never been married. And at the time of my becoming pregnant, was not even in a relationship.
My family knew nothing of my “double life”. I was a professing Christian, and didn’t have “problems” like this. But it had been a sin I’d struggled with for a very long time…. almost since I was old enough to know what sex was.
I had also struggled with loneliness, depression, and feelings of self-loathing, of never feeling “good enough”, and was constantly self-conscious of my body and it’s imperfections since I was a young girl, too.
One prayer I remember praying to God often, throughout my life, is that I just wanted to FEEL him. I wanted him to be tangible. I wanted the loneliness erased, eradicated, decimated. I wanted to feel him near me, I wanted to feel his presence with me, all the time. So I wouldn’t feel the need to turn to anyone else. But, to me, it never seemed like he heard that prayer. Or wanted to answer it the way I wanted him to.
When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I was having a little girl. Don’t know how, but I just felt it, deep inside. A gut feeling. And so, she was named before I even had her sex confirmed by ultrasound. I didn’t tell anyone her name til we found out for sure…..
God with us. Unmerited favor.
And it was just the other day, as I was laying in bed, feeling lonely…. and then I remembered my Emma sleeping in the room next to mine. And I felt comforted. I had her with me…. I was never alone. And then I realized. It HIT me. God had answered my prayer. He had made Himself tangible to me, in the gift of His daughter, his treasure that He was entrusting me with the care of….
I was in awe. Speechless. Silent, bittersweet tears slipped down my face. Sweet because I knew God loved me so much…. and bitter because I felt so ashamed of myself, never trusting Him like I should… But I know he understands. He sees my weakness and holds out His hand. It’s up to me whether or not I take it…. But He’s always there. Always has been, always will be.
God with us.
Jesus, I love you. You are so good. All the time.