A new Perspective on my Past…

The Irony of Phoenix

I’m stranded in this place

Somewhere between

FlagstaffandTucson

A city named after a mythological bird

So we really do live in a fantasy world.

 

A place for new beginnings

But I’ve been here all my life

Where should my new beginning start?

I need a fresh place

A blank slate

Somewhere where

No one knows my name

Or will recognize my face

 

I want to be free

To start over

To begin again

It’s the only chance I’ll get

To make everything right

To see myself through all this rain

To the other side

Where the sun still shines

 

Does such a place exist?

I have to question

Because I just can’t see it anymore

My heart’s eyes have been blinded

And I only have my sense of touch left

To guide me

And now even that is fading

Feeling is becoming more and more painful

Arthritis of the heart

My trust is stiffening, drying up

My love and hope all becoming

Fragile, brittle, breaking apart

I find myself cringing

Shrinking more and more

From a loving hand, open arms

I want to embrace you

But don’t think I can bring myself to

My heart’s been broken too many times

And now has a mind of its own

A mind that’s quickly going

Growing more paranoid and fearful

By the day

And night;

At night

It doesn’t heal – like you think it would

The loneliness, the cold

Only worsens

My condition.

 

So I live in a place

That’s very name mocks me

I can’t start over here

I’ve been set on fire

And kept on burning

‘Til there was nothing left

No ashes to rise from

No, nothing left of me

At all

~SNS

10/19/05

I wrote this poem in October of 2005. Almost 6 years ago. While I was reading this the other day, I decided I needed to write a sequel. It’s amazing what perspective we have on our past when we look at it through the lense of what God has done…

I honestly felt this way back then. That I had NO purpose. NO direction. that there was absolutely NOTHING that I could do to salvage my life and turn it around. And in all honesty, I was right. there was nothing *I* could do… But there was plenty that GOD could do. and He DID!

now….this is my new perspective:

From the Ashes

I never really believed

That time was any kind of healer

My life seemed one long series of

Brokenness,

Mistakenness

Fuck-ups,

Cover-ups

There was nothing to make me believe I was ever worth anything;

Everything I put my hand to

Shattered

And every second chance I was given

I ruined it all – all over again, and again, and again.

All I felt was:

Loveless & unlovely

Which only served to make me:

Heartless &

Oh so lonely..

 

And one day,

When it seemed there was no way

It could get any worse

Something occurred

That I could never have predicted

That gave me my Last Great Hope

Of recovering :

My destiny

Was inside me

All along

A phoenix burned inside me,

Waiting to arise….

 

My destiny

Came in the figure of a tiny baby girl

In her, I gave birth to a fire

That would burn everything in my life to bits

And pieces

Leaving me with seemingly nothing

But…

In reality

I finally had

Everything

 

From those ashes of my past,

I have risen

More Alive (I was dead)

More Full (I was empty)

More Complete (I was always missing something)

Than ever before, and

I am convinced of this:

There was no other way

Than the way she came to me..

 

God placed her

In my heart

And in my life

Right at that moment

I needed her most

And…

 

In her,

He gave me

A brand new start

Because of her,

He gave me

A courage I never knew I had

Through her,

He taught me what True Love really is

 

In Him, because of Him, through Him

I am a Phoenix

Rising out of the ashes

Of all my prior

Wastefulness

Because everything before her

Means nothing to me anymore,

But that it was the only path

To bring me here

To where I am today

And for that, and all it took to bring me here,

I would not change

A single,

Solitary

Thing.

~SNS

9.21.2011

Revised:

9.26.2011

What has God done in your life, that you can look back on your past now, and see the work that HE was working, though you didn’t see it or realize it at the time??

🙂

I LOVE how God works all things together for Good, for those who LOVE Him and are called according to His purposes (and that would be ALL God’s children, all who call Him Lord and truly desire to Follow after Him in His footsteps!)

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About Shannon

My life is summed up in two words: Saving Grace. God saw fit to bless me with a little girl who, for all intents and purposes, turned out to be my saving grace. She is the best part of my life, and the best part of me. I am a single working mother (I know, that phrase is redundant :) so I don't have a lot of time for extracurricular activities, but I like to write, and so I thought I'd start another blog (I've had many in the past) so that I could have an outlet for myself, during my down time ...whenever that can be snatched. It's few and far between these days.... but we'll see where this takes me.
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2 Responses to A new Perspective on my Past…

  1. Herman Yee says:

    Absolutely beautiful and all so true

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