Sometimes my life seems to be going by at light-speed. 😦 And I can’t figure out how to slow it down!
My daughter is almost 3 and a half years old…I had her at 24 years old, so now I’m about to turn 28 and 30 looms very near. TOO near. I’m terrified of it, actually.
Because my life is no where NEAR where I’d have wanted it to be at 30. And it just feels like its coming way too fast, and that it essentially marks my officially being a failure in my life.
I wanted children, but I didn’t want one the way I got one. Now, my lifestyle at the time warranted that children were a possibility, but based on my previous experiences, I essentially expected none. I was convinced (though I had no medical proof to back this up) that I was infertile, and never believed I could carry a child to term.
au contrair… life would have to prove me wrong.
God would prove me very wrong, and in the process humble me beyond description, and at the very same time, fill me with so much love and hope that I could not contain it in my poor little feeble human heart.
and while I was actually right in my assumption that my body couldn’t carry a child to full term, it carried her long enough…. and God knit her together in my womb to start, and then finished in front of my very eyes… day in and day out for the next 96 days in St. Joseph’s NICU in downtown Phoenix. I watched as God Almighty sustained her life, and brought to completion the work He had begun in me. I basically WATCHED God create life. it was more than amazing to me…. it will forever remain in my memory an absolute mystery. God is unfathomable… and I love Him that way.
He is also so plain and clear sometimes, or at least when He reveals something to me, it seems so plain and clear. Maybe just to myself…
But I remember as they wheeled me from the ambulance on the stretcher, into St. Joe’s, as I looked above me, I saw the Catholic hospital’s image of Joseph, with arms outstretched, welcoming me. I felt like God was saying to me,
“As Joseph was my Son’s earthly father, I AM and will be both Emma’s heavenly Father and earthly Father. I will provide for her, and you.”
I felt such comfort just being in that hospital. I felt God’s peace wash over me as I entered that place. I knew I was safe in God’s care, and no matter what, He would ultimately make everything okay. I wasn’t sure how I knew it, or what exactly I was trusting Him to do, but I just knew that all was in His hands, and that no matter the outcome, it was His doing, His purpose, and I trusted Him completely. It was completely a miracle that I felt this way, too because I should NOT have felt this way.
There was only one moment where I really questioned God in all this. And I did this in my mind. Honestly, the whole time before Emma was born, and during, and even after, I barely remember who was there, what all was said to me, …All I truly remember was conversing with God during that whole time. I felt like I had a direct line to Him right then, and my words to Him, and the feelings and words I felt like I received back, stand out vividly to me still.
Going back to what this blog was originally about… time passing by so quickly. Sometimes I still wonder about, and fear, the future. What will mine, and Emma’s, life look like in five years? Ten? Twenty? Thirty? I say life, and not lives, because I have to assume that my life and hers will be one for a very long time. I am not sure what all she will be able to do on her own even after she has graduated from high school. I believe that God will help me along the way, and will provide for her and I, but I am still unsure as to what His plan is regarding her.
If she will be mentally disabled, and not able to live independently from me, sometimes I worry about how I will provide for her. My parents will only be around so long to help me care for her. What will happen when they are gone? I dread the thought of having to put Emma in a “home”. I can barely think about it, let alone voice it. I don’t think I could bear it if it came to that… I would HATE it. 😦 I think if it came to that, I would end up working at whatever place I had to put her in, so that I could be around her more often. Maybe even so that I could get a discounted rate … because at the rate I’m going, how could I afford it?
That’s another thing I worry about. My “career”. I went to school to be a teacher. I WAS a teacher, for 2 whole years. Now I’m back in daycare, by my own choosing. But now I’m kind of stuck there… Because its hard to find a teaching job right now, and also, because I’m not too confident in my ability to go back, even if I was afforded the opportunity….
And I remember telling myself no one stays in daycare forever. But I have women who work at my center who have been doing just that for 20, 30 years… and maybe not in the same exact place, but they have been doing preschool/daycare for their entire working lives. and that terrifies me also. that I will end up working in daycare for the rest of my life…
I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life…. All I truly know is that I want to be the best mother to Emma possible. And the only way I know how to do that, is by doing what I’m doing right now. Taking things a day at a time, and going forward. Even if sometimes that forward seems like its moving in “fast-forward”.