ho hum…

I guess I should post again on here… I haven’t really had much to write about… well, at least not just any ONE topic. Its more like a bunch of random things….

I have this great desire to write, but no inspiration. Also, really, no energy or time to do it in. When I write (because I USED to write. a LOT.) I need time, and I have to be alone. and I usually have to have music. Good music. Inspiration usually only comes to me thru that medium of music…. Usually its good techno/trance…. but sometimes other stuff has inspired me, too.

Like take for instance, the story I am tRyInG to write right now… It all started because of a song. The song is by Taylor Swift, and its off her Speak Now album. I think the song itself is Speak Now (tho I’m  not sure if thats its exact title…i dont have the album here with me right now – its in my car)… anyway. So my story’s working title right now is Speak Now (i know i’ll have to change it, i dont want it to be the SAME as the song) but its basically a story (or fantasy rather) i’ve had in my head ever since i heard that song… about me getting married to the wrong guy, and the one who i’ve loved from afar for soooooooooo long coming out to the wedding and standing up at that part where they say “speak now or forever hold your peace” and telling me how he loves me and wants to be with me…. yeh… i know. sounds totally unrealistic right? well…thats what fills my thoughts…. fantasies that could never actually BE realities.

so yeh… i’m stuck. its really the most horrible feeling in the world. having something inside you but not being able to get it out. not being able to put it on paper (or in this case, on a screen). i just cant seem to write the same way i used to be able to anymore…. there’s just too much noise in my head 😦 too many thoughts, all clambering for my attention all at once. i am def not a person who can multi-task…. and becoming a mother i think has just totally blasted whatever “talent” i might have had to smithereens 😦

ah well…. i’m gonna post a poem here that i had written awhile back, but have only shared with one other person.

Matchless

He told me he’d never leave

He told me I was stuck with him for eternity

He told me he wasn’t going anywhere

Now he’s telling me

He doesn’t know

If he’s in love with me anymore

He says something changed, or was never there

In the first place

All my life

Love has been based on my performance

Love can be earned, taken away

But the Love that you give

Is without conditions

Without prerequisites

Your Love is higher, deeper, stronger

Then why is it that I

Keep looking for it

In other people’s

Faces?

Tell me God,

Why do I search,

The world over,

For Satisfaction

That can only be found

In You?

In You  alone,

I know

Love is your Name

Love is your Essence

You are the Definition

You are Perfection

And while everyone else

Pays lip-service

You came with the single, solitary Purpose

Of showing me, undeniably

That you loved me

By dying on that tree

Hanging on that cross

You put my every doubt

To death

There is no question

Your blood is all the Proof

I will ever need

That you love me

Always have, always will

You never change

If actions speak louder than words

Your act of Love

Shouts through the ages

Of your great, great love

For me

God, please forgive me

Forgive him, too

For breaking my heart in two

But forgive me

For not trusting you

For not guarding what you gave me

My heart, the pieces

I give now to you

Please,

Make it new

Brand new

And make it beat only

Only for you

You say

I am worthy

You say

You love me

You say

The very hairs of my head are all numbered

You say

Not one of my tears falls that you don’t keep

You say

I am more valuable to you

Than a whole flock of sparrows

When not one falls to the ground

That you don’t notice

And care about

How much more then

Do you care for me

When I fall to the ground

Again and again?

God I know

You love me with a love

That is matchless

And you are

My Matchless King

~SNS

3.8.2011

***********************************************************

I actually wrote that the day after Lou told me that he didnt know if he was in love with me anymore. Ya know what I told him? I dont believe you! lol I’m such a flippin weirdo…. Who says that to someone who’s just told them something that heart-wrenching? I guess I was just in major denial or something…. but honestly, I just couldnt believe what he was saying. Because that very same night, when he came through my front door smiling and kissing me and hugging me…I just FELT loved. So how could he say he wasnt in love with me anymore? When I had just FELT it? I guess our feelings can lie to us. And ppl can certainly do that…but I just couldn’t believe what he was saying…cuz it didnt match up with what he portrayed… So then as it started to sink in…. I wrote this poem. Because no matter what goes on in my life, Jesus is always the One I turn to. the One I run to. and HE is always there. waiting. with arms wide open.

but I’m always the one wandering away from him ….when I think I know better and can make it on my own 😦 I can’t seem to stop doing that. its a pattern I’ve witnessed repeated time and again in my life…. and I wish it would stop … but then again. none of us will ever reach perfection in this life. our natures will always turn us away from God’s face. I guess its the fighting it that matters. that we keep fighting it…. thats what counts.

and thats the legacy I want to leave my little girl. keep fighting. never give up. never stop. if you fall, always get back up again. because you’re not a failure until you fail to try.

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About Shannon

My life is summed up in two words: Saving Grace. God saw fit to bless me with a little girl who, for all intents and purposes, turned out to be my saving grace. She is the best part of my life, and the best part of me. I am a single working mother (I know, that phrase is redundant :) so I don't have a lot of time for extracurricular activities, but I like to write, and so I thought I'd start another blog (I've had many in the past) so that I could have an outlet for myself, during my down time ...whenever that can be snatched. It's few and far between these days.... but we'll see where this takes me.
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