Gilmore Girls: Another Year in the Life, PLEASE?!?


Just watched the ending of the Gilmore Girls Revival, A Year in the Life. Gotta say, I loved it!!

I’m not sure why all these fans are bemoaning the ending. What’s wrong with Rory being pregnant? She’s 32. Not 16. She’s double her mother’s age when she got pregnant with her. She’s a very capable woman. And her career isn’t exactly panning out like she had hoped. This is life. Things don’t always work out the way we picture them. But then, what does happen is what you make of it. It’s not what happens to you, or what hand you’re dealt. It’s what you do with it. And I think this is a chance for Rory to do something that she probably never saw herself doing, but now maybe she is ready for that chance. Motherhood. New life. A new beginning, or at least a new chapter.

I am a firm believer in this. Because this show has always reflected my life. Well, not always. But I was always drawn to the show, and more specifically Lorelei. I really empathized with her. I admired her fire and tenacity and stubbornness. Because in her, I saw a lot of myself.

And then I got pregnant. Not at 16, but I was still pretty young. Twenty-three, almost 24. So I have always felt a kinship to Lorelei. My family isn’t exactly the same as the Gilmores, but there are similarities. I have never felt like I belonged in my family. Always felt like somewhat of an outsider. So I definitely identify with her there.

And now things have come full circle. I am nothing if not a realist and this is REAL. Which is why I honestly just LOVE the way the writer decided to end this. There are lingering things as well, like with Jess seeming like he still has feelings for Rory… And the question of who the father of Rory’s baby is. What if it was the Wookie’s? I’d honestly love for that to be the case. Because then she wouldn’t have any attachment to the father and it could just be her and her baby.

Anyway, we may never find out. Amy Sherman-Palladino hasn’t said for sure, but there isn’t a definitive answer either way. Which means it’s a definite possibility. Another Year in the Life, please? I love having things to look forward to. And I will always love the Gilmore Girls.

Oh, and I forgot to mention…Rory’s book. OMG! I LOVE that she’s writing a book about her and Lorelei’s life. BEST ending to a show EVER! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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ISIS and Orlando

Is this new to people? Did this just happen for the first time, ever? Because I feel a little bewildered by everyone’s shock and outrage over the Orlando shootings. Did you not see this coming? Because I sure did.
When did life become sacred again? Because last I checked, no one in this country, or even this world really, holds it as sacred anymore. I’m talking collectively, by the way, not individually. As a society, we do not hold life as sacred. And this is why you see people taking it so lightly, and so violently.
You can’t pick and choose which life is sacred any more than you can pick and choose which parts of the Bible you believe in or decide to follow. This is what is happening to our country, our world, and even the church. We are our own gods. We make the rules, and decide which ones we ought to follow and which ones to ignore. And then we get upset when chaos rains down on our heads?
We care more about 50 gay people being shot to death in a crowded nightclub in Orlando on a Sunday morning than we do about 300,000+ innocent children being ripped out of their mother’s womb over the course of an entire year, being ripped apart limb from limb and dumped into a trash can. We care more about criminals being shot to death by police than we do about a police officer being shot to death by a criminal. We care more about those same gay people being murdered in the club that night, by an ISIS sympathizer, than we do about Christians being beheaded by ISIS itself in other countries. Why do we care now? Because it’s in our face. It’s on our doorstep. It’s in our backyard. And now, I’m afraid it may be too late to care.
When our society only cares about lives that matter to them being taken, and lives that are incovenient or far away don’t matter, like the unborn, and the elderly, and the disabled, etc… Welcome to the holocaust. Welcome to Nazi Germany. Welcome to Hitler’s reign. Welcome to history repeating itself. Because we never learn. If some life is not sacred, then no life is sacred. If the unborn and elderly and disabled don’t matter, then no one matters. Got that? Please just do yourselves a favor and shut the hell up. Because a public outcry at this point is just stupid and worthless and will accomplish absolutely nothing at all.
A thought occurred to me today. If it is true that babies are born with a sexual preference (which I don’t believe that is true, but for the sake of argument, I’ll go along with it), what if a gay gene was found, and unborn children could be acknowledged as being gay even before birth? Now, what if those same children were being aborted simply because they were gay? Wouldn’t there be a public outcry against abortion by the gay community? I would definitely think so! So why is there not such value placed on ALL life? Gay or not? This is my problem with the current episode of “Who’s gonna die next, America?” Seriously, wake up and smell the EVIL people! We live in a culture and a society saturated by it. And then we have the nerve to be outraged when a particular evil takes place that we don’t like? Well, I’m so sorry, but… you can’t pick and choose. This ain’t an all you can eat buffet. This is life, and like it or not, there are rules. And when those rules get bent, or broken, or trampled all over, there are going to be consequences. And here they are.
Now, the question is, what are we going to do about it?
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My dream job

You know. . I never actually thought I’d find myself back in the classroom of a school. . But I honestly didn’t even look for this new job I have now!  God dropped it in my lap. . And I actually found it a little hard to believe it when I got it!  The offer letter was sitting in my email inbox and I just read it and read it again, thinking, “there’s got to be a catch.  This can’t be real.  Things like this don’t just happen.” Especially not to me. But it was real and I’ve been teaching Kindergarten now for almost three weeks!  🙂 my favorite grade. . At a charter school in the downtown area.. which I also love.  🙂 the building is awesome! It’s an old fbi building they renovated and made into the school. . And the people there are amazing!  All of them are so nice and helpful!  🙂 and the kids are pretty great too 🙂 I already have my favorites ..

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m not dreaming. .its really real.  The pay and benefits are great!  🙂 and the days off are plentiful! Today is the first already. We have veteran’s day off and so does Emma’s school so. . We are at McDonald’s. . Her favorite place in the whole world (despite it not really being the greatest food. . She is obsessed with hamburgers).. I only take her here rarely. . And we’ve found a new one today so the novelty is helping 🙂 I tried a bacon ranch salad here was pretty good. . For McDonald’s.  Lol gotta love it.  I’m gonna go visit my babies later on today at Kindercare cuz I do miss those little monsters 😦 they were my world for so long.. but things change. That’s the one constant in life you can always depend on: things change. People move. Or move on.  Jobs come and go.  Old people pass on.  New life is born. There’s change all around us. And even with how much I’ve always hated it, I have to admit,  Sometimes change is for the better. And even with the bad there’s always some good to be found.

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What if?

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I feel like I’ve been needing to write …for quite some time now, but my life is pretty much a whirlwind…and I don’t seem to find much downtime. Except when I come home, completely depleted of life and energy and otherwise just a big old waste of space… most nights I pick up Emma after work, we come home and plop our butts down on our futon and watch Gilmore Girls… then she goes to bed. I then either get on facebook and scroll through my newsfeed and read article after article and/or look at my friend’s posts and pictures… and then go to bed.. or I watch a show on Netflix and go to bed. I have no life. LOL No really, I don’t. But I do a lot of things.

For one, I work. Monday through Friday, 9am-6pm.. I take care of other people’s children for them. So they can have a rewarding career. I do feel like I have one of the best jobs on earth honestly, because I am taking care of those babies as though they were my own children, and I love them with all my heart… but some times I wonder. I start to think    about…

What if?…

What if I hadn’t dated Nick in high school?

What if I hadn’t transferred to Pinnacle after my sophomore year?

What if I hadn’t left NAU? What if I had majored in Journalism instead of Education?

What if I hadn’t cheated on Harry? What if we had gotten married?

What if I hadn’t gotten pregnant with Emma at 23, almost 24 years old?

And that’s where my what ifs dissolve… Every time.

Because when I try to imagine my life without my daughter… I can’t. She is my life. I would be lost without her, I love her so much, and I hear God’s whisper in my heart… “I make no mistakes.”

God takes our brokenness and make us beautiful.. and that’s how I know. He’s in control of it all. I need not worry, or fear, and wonder “what if’s” any longer. He’s got a plan. And I’m in the palm of his hand.

We all make mistakes, but God works through our mistakes, and sorts through our mess, and makes something beautiful. I believe He actually delights in making beauty out of ashes, because His word tells us that God has taken the foolish things of this world and confounded those who were wise in their own eyes with what He can do through the weak and the helpless and the broken. I think it’s because then we can’t question or doubt that it was really Him, not us, or anyone else, who works things out for good. He took my mistakes, and brought about something beautiful in my life. and even after all that, I continued to go my own way in certain areas of my life, for a couple different reasons, but he has brought me to this place now where all I want is Him. And I can say with complete and total honesty that all I need is Him. I don’t know why it took me so long, especially  since it caused me so much heartache, but it was my stubborn pride that kept me from laying it all down at his feet…

Until now.

No more what ifs.. God will write the rest of my story. And I know it will have a beautiful ending. Because He is the Author and Perfecter of my Faith. He is the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last. And He will have the last word in my life. I am His workmanship and He makes no mistakes. I am the Prodigal daughter, and I have returned to my Father.

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No. Regrets.

I saw a movie tonight. The Fault in Our Stars. Tore me to shreds. I ended up in the bathroom stall sobbing into toilet paper, thinking of my Opa and me speaking at his memorial service three days after he passed on.

I read from a piece of paper what I felt I needed to say about him. About how he loved me, tangibly, more than I had felt loved by any other person I knew. What I wouldn’t give to have been able to tell him that…

Regret is the worst feeling in this world to me. I used to think disappointment was. It is a close second, but regret tops the charts. You see, before my Opa passed, he was in the hospital recovering from a surgery to remove his bladder (he had bladder cancer) that was supposed to give him more time with us. And I couldn’t bring myself to go see him in the hospital. I had my reasons. Basically, I was a coward. I will regret that to my dying day. Because the last time I saw him, he was already unconscious, and I can’t remember the last conversation we had face to face or what I last said to him or he to me.

I know that when he was laying in his bed, a day before he passed, I lay down next to him and held his hand and he squeezed my fingers, ever so lightly. I told him I loved him and that I was going to miss him. But I wish I would have said more. I can only hope that he knew how I felt. How his love for me and the way he expressed it and how he told me I was beautiful every time he saw me…. Those things still stick with me. I can’t help feel this heavy weight of regret though. I wish, I wish, I wish… And I can never get those moments back.

The other thing that this movie made me think of was my Emma. How I so nearly lost her, after just losing my Opa. But I feel like I somewhat redeemed myself in that no matter how hard it was for me, I went to that hospital every day to see her… Even knowing she might die. I remember one night being called by her nurse at my apartment, and how she told me that they had had to “bag” her which means they’d basically had to do CPR on her, and I could sense the fear and panic in her voice and it scared me to death. I kept asking if I needed to come down and she said no, she was fine now and there was such relief in her voice… it was palpable. She assured me she would call again if I was needed. And I trusted that she would. But there was still that constant fear and worry that they would call me again. And that it would be the end. I don’t know how I made it through those days… those nights. But I like to think that my Opa was watching from above and that he knew the impact he has had on me. That I strive to love her like he loved me.. and I always will. Til my dying day.

Another thing that struck me in the movie was that she was worried about her parents and what they would do once she was gone. She was afraid they’d just cease living or “off themselves” as she put it, and she remembered her mom saying something when she was first diagnosed with the cancer and was in the ICU, her mom said something about she wouldn’t be a mother anymore…after she was gone. And she told her, no, I was wrong. Even after your gone, I will always be your mother. When she said that, I almost couldn’t hold back the tears… I felt that exact way. Even if Emma had died, I would always have considered myself her mother. And I honestly don’t know how I would have gone on, but I know I would have. Somehow, someway. I would never have been the same, that’s for sure. But there is life after death. Life goes on, but death changes you. It changes everything.. as it should. It gives you a new perspective on life. How short it really is. And how you only have one. So you should live it well. And to the full. While you still can..

This movie was powerful and it made me think.. which is something I do a lot of anyway. But this made me think a little deeper than I really wanted to… and for that I’m actually grateful. I needed it. I need to reflect on things that I shove down deep inside more often. Open myself up and get some fresh air… a fresh perspective. It’s good for me. I bottle up too much of what I really feel. Instead, I tend to put on a front, more often than not of anger or I brush things off too easily, act like they don’t matter or don’t affect me. I try to pretend I’m strong. But I’m really not. None of us is. We’re human. And we need each other. And that’s all there is to it.Image

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Learning from our mistakes

This is the one big thing I think that sets us apart as humans. Our ability to make mistakes. And not only that, but also our ability to either learn from them…or repeat them.

I am hopeful that my life will not be one of repeats.

I made a very large mistake 3 days into the new year, 2014. One that I am very ashamed of myself for. But nonetheless, it happened. I crashed my car. The car I’d had for almost 6 years. The car I got into a similar accident in just at the end of July. So not even a full six months ago. The car I got just before Emma came home with me from the hospital. A very reliable, in-great-condition-for-its-age car. A car my grandmother bought for me. I never had to make a single payment on it. I paid for its repairs and maintenance,gas  and insurance. Which I am exceedingly grateful for now, by the way. Insurance is what saved me in the long run, here. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I had to look at myself more closely upon making this mistake. Let me clarify something here. I was reading a text message when I got into the accident. I looked up, cars were stopped and I was too close already to stop in time. I could have stopped quicker had I been paying full attention to my driving. Hence, my sense of shame. I know I did wrong. I know I messed up. And I never tried to justify myself. But I also realized in that moment, that a “sorry” doesn’t do much. Mistakes require penance. Punishment. And it must fit the crime.

I did get my punishment. In the form of needing to look for another car. In the form of a citation from the police. I will have to pay to take a class to get said citation stricken from my license. But will I learn my lesson? Will I stop doing what I was doing? Will I turn my life around and go the other way?

That is what we must learn from our mistakes. Because to keep doing what we’ve always done before, and keep on making those same mistakes: That’s the definition of insanity right there. And from that perspective, it does seem pretty insane.

I need to stop making the same mistakes. I need to turn my life around and go in the other direction. I need to learn my lesson. Finally after all this time…. God smacked me in the face with that one. I can’t really deny it …not when it’s made that clear. That accident was a wake up call to me in more than one way. And I am grateful for a lot of things. For one, I’m grateful Emma wasn’t with me when I got in the accident. I’m also grateful it wasn’t a lot worse and that no one was injured. But I’m also grateful for the lessons I’ve learned through it.. God always has a plan. And He will take any situation and turn it around for good, if we let Him.

He gave me a second chance, too. Which also so clearly illustrated to me how he feels towards me… I found a car, almost identical to the one I crashed. For only $500 more than what the insurance company gave me for the totaling of my old one. And it’s in better condition than my old one was even. My dad helped me with the difference in cost.. Which was so awesome of him. There are no words to express my gratitude there.

God is the God of second chances. And He is ever faithful. Unwavering. Steadfast, loyal, trustworthy and True. My God shall supply all my needs. He always has, and I believe He always will.

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So, everyone’s been doing this “30 days of Thankfulness” on facebook, and at first I didn’t do it just because everyone else was (I don’t like to do things just because EVERYONE ELSE is… I’m a rebel like that) but then I also just didn’t think I’d be able to think of that many things to be thankful for…. So now, I’m going to attempt to think of 30 things, and just write them all down in one big long list for all of you to read in one fell swoop. K, Enjoy!

1.)    I am thankful for my daughter, Emmanuella Grace. (Betch’a didn’t know I was gonna say that right away! Lol). My Emma. She is the reason for my existence, really. So of course I have to be thankful for her. She’s truly the light and joy of my life, too. Before her, I feel like there was always darkness. Or at least gray drab dullness. Now everything is in color, and light… Because of her being with me.

2.)     I am thankful to God for giving me my life, the way it is…Exactly the way it is. People might find it odd to be thankful for all that I’ve been through, even the bad parts, but I can’t help but step back and see the whole picture, and realize, that without the bad, there wouldn’t be any of the good either.

3.)    I am thankful for where I live. Phoenix, Arizona is by far, to me anyway, the most wonderful and perfect place to call home. I have lived here all my life, so maybe that’s why I say that… but to me, it really is perfect. I love it here.

4.)    I am thankful for my job. And not just because its “a job”. True, there are some not-so-fun days. Or even weeks! Lol I’d be lying if I said I loved it all the time. But it truly is my passion to work with children. Especially young children. And I get to do that every single day. And, being a floater, I get to work with all the age groups! That’s the really fun part! It keeps things interesting, to say the least.

5.)    I am thankful for my family. We might not always get along, and we might even strongly dislike each other at times. But I am thankful for each and every one of them, from the bottom of my heart. Especially my parents. They have been such a huge help to me, and are the very best grandparents to Emma. I love them both very much. And my brother, Ben… He is an awesome Uncle. And that makes sense, because he’s always been an awesome brother. (Well, ok, he’s had his moments, too, but that’s not what we’re here to discuss right now.)

6.)    I am thankful for wine. That I’ve just recently come to know and love within the past year.

7.)    I am thankful for good friends. New ones, and old. Good people you can count on. They are few and far between, but they sure do make the world go ‘round. And just a happier place in general.

8.)    I am thankful for America! I was driving down the street thinking that today, because while we may have our problems, ours are pretty small comparatively speaking. I am thankful for the freedoms & decent way of life we still enjoy here. Praying it lasts!

9.)    I am thankful for my boyfriend. I know I mentioned friends already, but honestly, he deserves his own number. He is the very best and I admire him for a lot of reasons. He is a great dad and just an overall marvelous man. Happy I met him and that I get to call him mine.

10.)  I am thankful for books! I don’t know what I’d do without the written word. I don’t really care for the Kindle or Nook or whatever those electronic reading devices are called. But if I had to take that over not reading at all, I’d do it!

11.)  I am thankful for all those selfless human beings who help me care for and/or educate my daughter. She is amazing because of all of you! (This includes doctors and nurses and therapists and respite care providers and teachers, etc. All of them since she was born! And there have been a LOT!)

12.)  I am thankful for my friends who have known me a long time, and stood by me through good times and bad, who have been there for me and helped carry me through rough times… who have just been there. A shoulder to cry on, someone to lean on, someone to bitch and moan to. lol From the time I was young til now. I can count you on one hand probably. But you know who you are. Thank you. You have my heart. Forever and always.

I am slowing down now, so I might have to end here…. I think that’s another reason I didn’t want to do the 30 things list. Because it doesn’t really matter how MANY things you have to be thankful for, its more about just being thankful… Not having to have 30 things that you can rattle off. I’m sure if I sat here and thought some more I might come up with a few more things. But I’d rather go do something productive. Lol So if I think of any more, I’ll add them in the comments section. How’s that? 😉

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Remember your blessings, today and every day.


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